Use this as an aide to your research.
Self defense
Avoid texting while walking & using alcohol or other drugs in public that dull our normal feelings of alarm in dangerous situations. Using a cell phone distracts our awareness as much as if drunk. Drinking alcohol also signficantly reduces learning from the day before. A few drops of kava, chamomille, valerian etc. liquid mix (no alcohol) under the tongue provides the relaxation of alcohol & increases, not decreases, cognitive performance.
Training
I believe in getting self-defense training (free) from police, & from private instructors if someone wants further training. Many local police or martial arts dojos put on a self defense course for women.
These classes help give you options, a plan, and a clear focus in dangerous situations. They can help people find that one moment where a specific action can make a difference, as well as help pattern a person’s actions to minimize their risk of being attacked.
If you liked the self-defense class, you might consider some type of martial arts training. Basic martial arts classes can, with a good instructor (sit in on a session or two before joining and get recommendations), help people get a feel for and control of their bodies and deal with physical confrontation and aggression with a degree of detachment along with a normal fear.
The most important part of self defense/martial arts training is sparring & getting the experience of getting hit & having to defend ourselves. The experience of sparring significantly improves outcomes if attacked in real life in the future.
Daily practice before other types of exercise
Once having learned the proper techniques for three punches- straight, roundhouse, uppercut & five kicks- front, back, side, roundhouse, axe, the first exercise that should be done daily after eating carbohydrates alone (half glass of water then an apple is good) or at the end of a meal is to practice one punch or one kick a day with increasing intensity to exhaustion. This will quickly make your ability to defend yourself greater than 99% of the population that doesn’t practice one kick or punch a day.
Martial arts black belts that have been in street fights say the person who throws the most punches & kicks (accurately) wins. While practicing visualize striking in the soft tissue areas like the neck & body that won’t damage hands & feet.
High intesity speed with punching & kicking builds up strength. Punching a punching bag causes bouncing of the brain back & forth in the skull & to mini concussions that can cause mild brain injury. Anyone who’s had a concussion can tell you what activities like hitting a punching bag make symptoms worse. After a month of punching & kicking (air) with high intensity to exhaustion, you can test your significantly increased strength against a punching bag to gain confidence in not regularly needing to hit a bag.
Personal Safety in Dangerous Situations
The first recommendation when a person is in danger is for the person to leave the dangerous situation. You should always be thinking of where you can move to quickly if you feel threatened. Stay in well lit areas, with as many other people as possible. If you feel threatened on the sidewalk, move closer to the street. One escape route most people don’t think of is the street. I’ve known people who walk through dangerous places very close to the curb or actually on the edge of the street or walking along parked cars in the road. If at any time the person deemed the street safer than the sidewalk, they could walk across the street and worry about traffic for the moment, rather than stay on a sidewalk where they felt intimidated and threatened.
Most attackers are leery of confronting a person in the street, because it is much harder for a person to move a person from the street out of sight of other people than when they are on the sidewalk.
Followed
If you feel someone is following you, you can walk somewhere safe but where no one would normally go if they weren’t following you. Especially good is a shop around a corner that you can go in & observe if the person rounds the corner looking for you.
If you do suspect someone is considering to rob you, making eye contact and pulling out your cell phone and starting recording can sometimes dissuade the person. If not, walking acrosss the street or towards other people and calling 911 after you’ve recorded them and saying out loud you think someone is following you will clarify the situation.
Attack
When attacked, run when any opening appears, and to people. If the attacker is faster, run to the closest car & get on the other side while calling police & using self defense weapons and yelling help. Often a shorter & slower (in an open field) defender can manuever around a car faster than a taller, longer aggressor- at least long enough to summon help and/or deploy defensive weapons.
If you are told to stop or get in a car, the best option is to run & scream now or try to after they’ve walked/driven you to an isolated site. Even if they have a gun on you they are much more likely to hurt or shoot you after getting you to an isolated location. All experience shows that people are in much greater danger in the second location, & running & yelling is the most likely thing to get the person to move on to an easier target.
At home
If someone comes to the door, don’t open it unless you know them. Even then it is good to take out your phone & as you open the door say, “I’ve got to go, Mark my neighbor is here”, as well as having a plan with a family member or friend to always text who is at the door to them if you have a visitor. It won’t matter to anyone with good intentions, buy may thwart an attack when the attacks knows they’ve been identified to someone else. Ask them to slide their ID under the door and make sure it looks like them, take a picture of the ID and text/email it to a friend then call your friend, (videochat best).
Weapons
Police have only 3 seconds on average to make a decision to draw a gun & shoot. I believe in all of us using non then less lethal weapons first in order to clarify the situation and to minimize harm, especially to bystanders. Because their deployment isn’t intended & has a very small likelyhood of causing death compared to intentionally lethal weapons, less lethal weapons are much more likely to be deployed faster than lethal weapons, increasing the safety of the defender.
Less lethal weapons
Nonlethal weapons like a combo strobe flashlight & 130 db alarm, and less lethal weapons like pepper gel (touch adversive) or pepper/tear gas spray (touch & airway adversive) & a stunner (touch stun gun) or a Taser (shoot prods & requires a gun license in Indiana) and a gun with less lethal ammunition (rubber bullets & pepper) can help thwart an attack.
Self-defense devices may be useful when the person needs to deal with a potential physical confrontation / attack before they can get to safety, or as an aid to get to safety. When these devices are also non-lethal and (intended) non-injurious, the decision to use them against an attacker is not a life-and-death decision by the defender, and usually easier to make in a sudden and pressure situation.
Personal Alarms
Personal alarms send out up to a 130db sound in one direction that both sends a message of distress out to a large area and is very physically painful to any people within a 10ft proximity at which
they are pointed. They activate with the touch of a button or the pull of a cord. The alarms are great for making loud noises that many people feel embarrassed or too scared to make. They can be painful in close proximity when pointed at a target person/people.
Personal alarms can be an essential part of a self-defense plan. They do not seem threatening or intimidating in a way that may escalate the tension of a situation, but they can be activated and working while leaving your hands free for using a cellular phone, self-defense
spray, and/or a stunner (stun gun). They can attach to purse straps, belts, etc.
Alarms can be extremely effective in clarifying a situation. When you sound your personal alarm, people stay away from you. If the person/people in question weren’t actually meaning you harm, they will leave the area and no harm is done to them or to you. If the person does approach with the alarm on & you saying “stay back”, the alarm will partially disable them in pain and may buy time for escape and calling the police. When a personal alarm is pulled and a person continues approaching, you can use a more aggressive self-defense device with the confidence that the person is very likely intent on assault. It may be much harder to start with a more aggressive self-defense device when you are less sure of another’s intentions.
Some personal alarms have sensors for alternate use in bags, drawers, and in cars as a motion detector alarm (very useful, and disabling if anyone stays in the car to look for the source
of the sound). Some have the option of a door clip (to go off if an apartment door is opened), and an ear clip that is set off if your head nods forward (like while driving). Use only alkaline batteries or lithium rechargeables with all personal self-defense devices as other batteries have only 1/6th the power.
Strobe lights
Strobe lights are set to a frequency that is visually disabling, especially at night, & can be the first used, being nonlethal & very effective. Police & the military have deployed them for years because they slow reaction time to them. A strobe flashlight on an alarm that lights during an emergency can help distract the aggressor. An alarm & strobe light that hooks to the belt or waist also keeps the disabling sound & light away from your head.
Pepper/tear gas sprays
Pepper sprays are derived from hot cayenne peppers. They usually contain 10% & 15% Oleoresin Capsicum (pepper derivative), with up to 2 million Scoville heat unit rating. When sprayed in the face, OC pepper sprays will cause temporary blindness and restricted breathing. The effects of the pepper sprays last for 30 to 45 minutes. They generally don’t deteriorate with age. Tear gas and it’s propellants break down with age, so need to be tested every 6 months for potency and range (six feet away from a tree).
Since OC pepper spray is an inflammatory agent, it is effective against attackers who feel no pain; such as people in a psychotic or intoxicated state (tear gas alone can be ineffective against this population). Pepper sprays usually work well in deterring animals, including bears.
Pepper gel may shoot farther, be more effective than pepper spray, & clean up better. Pepper/tear gas combo spray may be more effective than pepper gel but much harder to clean up.
Sabre Red & Mace offer a brand of self-defense spray that combines tear gas, 10%OC pepper spray, and UV dye (illuminates under a “black light” for easy identification) together. Most companies offer just pepper spray at 10%OC or 15%OC (usually only in a very small 1/2oz version). Tear gas and pepper together may be more effective than pepper spray alone. People who eat hot peppers are less affected by pepper spray, & people who’ve trained against tear gas can have some resistance to its’ effects. Tear gas & pepper spray together can be effective even against people who eat hot peppers & who have trained to resist tear gas.
Pepper/tear gas combo spray may be better for outdoor defense & pepper gel may be better for indoor defense.
Expiration
Check the expiration date of combination sprays before buying them. Test all sprays upon purchase and every three months. Stand outside in a clear area and spray at a tree 10ft away, just long enough to reach with the spray. Walk up to the tree and smell the targeted area from about 6 inches away. If the smell makes you woozy, it is potent. If the stream didn’t reach at least 10ft or the effects/smell has faded, empty the canister at a safe place on the ground, then discard and get
a new one.
The normal “sprays” shoot a thin but straight line of tear gas and/or pepper. Foamers & foggers
may not be as reliable as streams for distance and effectiveness. When using in a self-defense
situation, aim the stream toward the face of the attacker.
Any of the large models hold more spray and fit well in a purse. A small model is more
convenient for key chains. In my experience the safest pepper/tear gas sprays have a flip
top that can be orientated with one hand without looking. All others have leaked or accidentally
discharged in my experience. Most police use Sabre Red because their spray shoots twice as
far & lasts twice as long as others.
Pepper/tear gas is used most effectively when running away. When running after a defender it is
very hard for an aggressor to avoid pepper/tear gas spray if it is deployed before the aggressor
recognizes it. S/he will run into the spray at high speed & while breathing hard, which will
extend the time & volume of exposure for the attacker. Just getting on the other side of a car
with spray in hand yelling loudly can discourage an attacker.
Legality
It is the responsibility of every user to learn and follow all local, state, and federal laws about the
carry and use of self-defense products. If in Hawaii, Rhode Island, New Jersey, Massachusetts,
New York, District of Columbia, Maryland, Wisconsin, or Michigan call your attorney general’s
office to determine the allowed use of self-defense devices. If you live in a large city or are in
doubt, call your county/city attorney. Pepper/tear gas sprays and stun guns are to be used in
self-defense only. Pepper spray is made from peppers and is usually less regulated than tear
gas.
You must be eighteen years of age or older to purchase defense sprays.
Massachusetts residents may have to purchase defense sprays from licensed Firearms Dealers
in that state. New York residents may have to purchase defense sprays from licensed Firearms
Dealers or licensed Pharmacists in that state.
There are special defense spray formulas approved for Michigan and Wisconsin.
Mich 2% CS tear gas 35g total
no combo
Wisc10% 15-60g,1/2-2oz
pepper/cs tear gas Mace ” “stunner illegal
DC,Hawaii,Mass,Mich,NJ, NY,RI,Wisc
Chi,Annapolis,Baltcounty, Howard Cty Maryland, Philly,NYC
Stunner (stun gun)
A stunner (usually called a stun gun) is a hand-held device with two very short metal prods. It puts out a high voltage but low amperage shock upon contact. It delivers its shock only when a person comes in contact with it, even through clothing. A taser gun, by contrast, will actually shoot two probes at a person before delivering a shock through the wires attached to the probes. It can be used at a distance, and even if the probes missed the taser can be used as a touch stunner.
When a person is touched by a stunner, their body’s response is to move away automatically. The energy from the stun gun is applied directly to the attacker’s muscles at a pulse rate that causes rapid contraction. The stunner usually has to be kept on the attacker until they fall to the ground to immobilize them enough to run away safely. This may deplete the attacker’s energy level, leaving the muscles unable to produce energy and the attacker disoriented. Just touching an attacker with a stun gun will make them move away without disabling them, allowing them to attack & defend against deployment of the stun gun again.
Stunners are intended to be a less lethal weapon used to subdue a person who is attacking. The stunner or stun gun may render an attacker weak, lethargic, and disoriented for several minutes allowing sufficient time for a person to escape. Stun guns are ideal for anyone concerned with being physically overpowered by an attacker. They are most effective in countering a bodily assault.
Straight stun guns require the user to extend the wrist with the thumb pointing toward the
person in front of them in order to stun (knuckles pointing down). Curved stun guns are already
at a 45 degree angle and work with a more natural grip (knuckles pointing forward). They are
usually more expensive than straight stun guns.
To use a stun gun, hold the metal prods firmly against the large muscles of an attackers body
such as the thigh. The person holding the stun prod must follow the attacker and maintain
contact with the person as they move away from the prod. Most stun prods list 5 seconds as
the maximum required (and safe) application to disable a large person. A 1/2 to 1 second
exposure of this type of shock will not disable a 200+ lb. person, but will repel them only temporarily.
Stunners/stun guns are less safe when applied to the chest. The closer to the heart the more lethal a
shock may be. The safest application may be to the legs or the buttocks. In self defense
perfect placement is not always possible, but should be attempted. Stun guns should only be
used in serious self defense because they are not nonlethal. A stun gun is just far less lethal
than shooting a gun with metal bullets.
Quality
In my experience the only stunners worth buying are ones that have a long and solid
guaranteed warranty, like with Stun Master & Streetwise & currently, Sabre Red. In my experience all others last at most two years and can fail when you need them if they don’t back them up with a years
long warranty. Sabre Red actually uses a legitimate strength rating (1.0 is considered disabling) & one of their inexpensive flashlight stunners has a 2.5+ rating.
Disguise
Disguised stunners that look like flashlights are the best, as they have a greater
likelihood of being deployed with the element of surprise. They are also less likely to be
coanfiscated when going somewhere that has unexpected security screenings when giving it up
may mean you won’t get it back or will be without your less lethal self defense weapon in a
crowd.
The best disguised stunners also have a bright flashlight and an alarm. Shine the light in the
eyes of the attacker and if they keep coming, hit/pull the alarm. Then if they keep coming,
especially if you are telling them to stay away, you have demonstrated you’ve both given
warning and they have demonstrated an aggressive intent that will help clarify the situation for
law enforcement & the judicial system. And they very likely will have no idea your
flashlight/alarm has another self defense function.
That is essential for self defense because if the person knows you have a stunner in your hand they can try to avoid it or kick it away. They are less likely to try to deflect what they think is a small flashlight.
Tasers
A Taser is a less lethal self defense weapon that shoots two prongs for ten feet that send
electrical disruption to the muscles through wires for thirty seconds. While a Taser is not
classified as a firearm by the US government, Indiana requires a gun permit to carry one, and
they cannot be carried on a plane even in checked luggage (people send them by ground
shipping to their destination). They are banned in Hawaii, Massachusetts, New York, New
Jersey, Rhode Island, and the District of Columbia. Tasers are effective only if the prongs stick
with enough penetration. They come with one set of prongs (pocket sized) to three sets (belt
sized). After the prongs are deployed a Taser becomes a touch stunner (stun gun) until
reloaded.
Tasers are less safe when stuns are applied to the chest. The closer to the heart the more
lethal a shock may be. The safest application may be to the legs or the buttocks. In self
defense perfect placement is not always possible, but should be attempted. Tasers should only
be used in serious self defense because they are not nonlethal. A Taser is just far less lethal
than a gun.
Tasers may save lives when used before a gun. Tasers can increase risk of death when used in situations where nonlethal or
even less lethal options are available first. Stun guns & Tasers can be very useful as a second to last line
of defense. They are most effective when used with other self-defense devices in sequence; a
high lumen strobe flashlight, a loud (130db) personal alarm sounding at the attacker,
pepper/tear gas spray used if the attacker continues, then the stunner or Taser if they make
contact.
Legality
stun guns- not allowed
cities:
Chicago
Annapolis
Baltimore (& County)
HowardCounty Maryland
Philadelphia
NYC
Washington, DC
States:
Hawaii
Massachusetts
Michigan
New Jersey
New York
Rhode Island
Wisconsin
Connecticut-mostly no
Florida mostly yes
Illinois mostly no helps gun permit FID, Dension
Iowa Crawford Cty
NC mostly legal
Ohio-Cedar Rapids permit
Countries:
Australia
Belgium
Canada
Denmark
Hong Kong
India (Police Use Only)
Italy
Japan
New Zealand
Norway
Sweden
Switzerland
United Kingdom
Pepperball air pistols
A number of pepperball air pistols that use CO2 cartridges & pepperballs or rubber balls are available for self defense. The one that is one of the cheapest & most effective & reliable is the Sabre Red pepperball launcher at $150. It shoots pepperballs that break open in a large puff of pepper powder up to 60ft. This can provide distance self defense & as it is yellow it is not easily mistakable as a gun.
Less lethal firearm ammunitions
Concepts in Ammunition sells rubber bullets for many calibers of real pistols with pepper powder that can deliver a lot of stopping power with the rubber bullet & pepper, especially when used as a first few rounds before metal bullets. It makes the gun easier to quickly decide to deploy when the first few shots are much less lethal at center mass (below the eyes/head).
A Judge revolver or a Smith & Wesson Governor can shoot less lethal .410 rubber buckshot
with pepper spray interspersed & has at least five shots. Unlike semi-automatic guns, with a
revolver a jam is bypassed immediately for the next cylinder, and they don’t jam from being held
improperly. Revolvers are therefore much more reliable than semi-automatics, but hold less
ammunition-usually 5 or 6 cylinders vs up to 30. A semi-automatic with rubber bullets
can always be carried as a backup for people wanting the extra security of more ammunition.
If the attacker has a gun or seems to be pulling a gun the most vital thing to do first is to get
cover, much more than firing immediately at the aggressor. Getting cover both protects the defender & gives time to clarify the situation, preventing mistakes that can cost a life. If the attacker has a knife
the best thing is to run, get away, and at the least give yourself time to pull your self defense
weapon.
If you have to try to disable someone with a knife, gun, or multiple attackers with a gun with
rubber buckshot/bullet & pepper spray, a shot to low center mass (the gut) may bring the attacker’s
knife/gun hand into the line of repeated fire as they clutch their gut as an involuntary
automatic protective reaction. If the person has a knife or a gun, repeated shots to the gut may
disarm them if when cradling their stomach the knife/gun hand loses its grip when being hit by
successive shots.
The safety benefit of .410 rubber buckshot is that its shot spreads out, making it more likely to
hit an attacker. Rubber buckshot is also far safer than a bullet for bystanders. If it gets past an
attacker the speed & force of each small shot dissipates quickly, while a bullet can travel for
miles.
Using a tactical strobe flashlight, which can be mounted on some of the .410 revolvers, should also decrease the attackers accuracy. Some can also be outfitted with laser sights on their
handle or right under the barrel for much better distance shooting accuracy.
You have to justify the shooting of less lethal ammunition to the same level as lethal ammunition- you have to be worried for your life and must not have swung first in a physical altercation.
These are suggestions for research- only you can determine what practices and tools will help keep you safer!
Home safety & defense
We can keep our doors locked even when we are home, & keep alarms on individual rooms even when we are home & in another part of the house- burglars often break in when people
are home & alarms unlikely on.
We can buy a house alarm system & put up generic signs warning away possible thieves so they will move on to easier house but won’t know our specific alarm system details ahead of time.
We can put a $10 door stop/alarm under the door of the room we sleep in at night, that both
stops entry & sounds a loud alarm to deter an intruder.
There are bar doors stop alarms or easily installable metal locks at the bottom of the door to prevent forcible breakins. Window bars can prevent breakins. Even if we don’t have a housewide alarm system we can buy door & window specific alarms, even from Dollar Tree.
If stairs or a wall is close we can go near then end of the day & have a piece of scrap wood sawed to place between the door & the wall to jam the door from being opened from outside even if someone jimmies the lock or has a key.
We can put up a beware of dog sign with a half-filled bowl of food outside with toys. Best is for
items for BIG dogs.
We can put up solar powered motion sensor lighting & trim our shrubs so we can see out
windows & noone can hide behind them.
We can all take a copy(s) of our house key, wrap it in plastic, & go outside at night to an alley a
couple blocks away & bury it when noone is around. If we lock ourselves out, there it is. The
next night we rebury it in another location, in case someone saw us retrieving the old one. Far
safer than keeping the key in the familiar places near the house.
Trust fear
In “The Gift of Fear” celebrity & politician security expert Gavin DeBecker explains that we need
to trust our fears and act on them. He says anyone can be an expert at detecting a dangerous
situation. The expert listens to their fears & takes steps for increased safety, no matter how silly
or unnecessary they may have seemed an hour or even a minute before.
Stalking
obsessed-former date or date ‘refusal’
80% become violent
love obsessed-convinced in love w/stranger
erotomaniac- also believes target loves back
Send one clear message with a record- don’t want to be contacted, then NO contact by you
repeated contact, even negative, is rewarding
No talk even if see- just call police
tell friends to give no info, say no, then call police
tell friend to get any contacts on video
video & audiorecord any contacts, even with hidden button camera
video provides actionable evidence
police/prosecutors can take action if explicit threat, some action if broken restraining order
prep phone to record with touch of a button
Ignore but document all- when, where, how often
keep copies of everything sent in a secure location
deliveries of gifts refused with receipts, especially flowers
get new phone number
keep old phone number connected to answering machine to record time & content
get PO Box so no business has your home address
lock doors, windows, get alarm
keep cell phone on, practice emergency call like pressing the off button three times
get self defense training
carry strobe light alarm, pepper/tear gas spray, stunner, gun with rubber buckshot/pepper spray
plan routes to be hard to follow, vary them let family/friends know where you are
report all violations to police
get restraining order
(Phil Heller, PsyD Palm Springs Cty, FL)
3rd party collect all communication & evaluate for escalation
3rd party background check & determine violence threat
If you call the women’s shelter you will talk with people who have been stalked themselves and
have the experience of dealing with many other’s stalking situations. They won’t think you’re
overreacting or afraid for no reason.
work to change laws
Domestic violence
Breaks or strikes things in anger inc symbotic vio
Battered partner in previous relationhips
Drugs/alcohol w/probs
Drugs/alc excuse
Police encounters for behavioral offenses
1+ violent incidences
Money control
Jealous of time, tight leash
Refuses to hear no
Intuitive feeling at risk
Pushed committment, roommates, marriage,
Intimidation, bullying, violence
Verbally abusive
Threats & intimidation 4 control & coercion inc phys, defam, embarass, restrict, disclose, cutoff
support, abandon, commit suicide
Forever relationship always/4life/nomatwhat
Projection extremes of emotion
Minimizes abusive behav
Identity invested in partner role
Enlists friends & relatives to help get/keep you back
Surveilles partner
Everyone out to get him
Inflexible/unwilling to compromise
Violent identification a justification
Mood swings, sullen, angry, depressed
Blames everyone, no responsibility
Has weapons but doesn’t encourage you to train & arm self
Power, control, revenge
Male privilege, master
Child violence survivor, witness
Partner fears for safety/life
“Honeymoon” periods of nice behavior are strong negative reinforcer
Why stay?
violence is often worse & even deadly if leave
self esteem beaten
cutoff from family & friends
fear mechanism dulled
leaving family/children hard
money controlled
benevolent then malevolent control freak
emotional leverage over logic
Why leave?
‘children need you’
1st hit victim, 2nd volunteer
staying is a choice
hitting is a choice
to stay or not: children will do what they see parents do- hit or accept hitting
unpredictible = random reward & hope
operant conditioning
When the abusers control falters, if they don’t get therapy then often increase violence
person abused must have place to go
Restraining order’s help where no history of violence & reasonable person w/limited emotional investment & entitlement
safety most important first, not justice
women’s shelters best
movies teach persistent stalking & ignore ‘no’ as “romantic”
persistence means guy troubled- not love or your special
men are nice during pursuit
women are nice during rejection
No = complete sentence
RO’s won’t protect women from violent attackers
women must trust feelings
‘Will RO help/hurt in my case.’
only if yes do RO
Instead of him perceiving a woman getting control of him, bring full prosecution for actions-
him against police, prosecutor, judge
Signs
violence against things
controllingly fast courtship
persistence is not you are special-he is troubled
persist through no = trying to control
hit is the unnegotiable goodbye
Too often in domestic violence when the wife shoots the husband after years of abuse the police
take her natural expressions of regret & even her belief at one point that she could have left to
be evidence of murder rather than self defense.
Women often stay in abusive relationships because they have it drummed into them they are
worthless. Even if not overtly stated, often implied in the violence is that if she leaves he’ll kill or
stalk her. She often may learn to initiate a lower level of violence herself as a way of fighting
back, of a release of the tension when he is getting close to explode in order to speed up to the
reconciliation part of his cycle of violence where he feels bad & tries to make it up to her, &
because he has taught her violence in the relationship.
Police too often don’t recognize the interpersonal difficulties when a man brings violence into a
relationship, & the woman’s natural feelings of remorse afterwards that may make it seem like
her act to end the violence was fully premeditated.
The only way out is when the first hit or threat comes- he is testing her to see if she’ll allow him
to threaten/hit her, & when she stays the goal then becomes how far he can push the goalposts
before she leaves or he kills her. Then its frequently a neverending push towards more abuse
with reconcialiation & promises after to keep her there for the next cycle. Its a game he’s played
with his other girlfriends before- he’s just trying to push the abuse farther with each successive
girlfriend.
Abusers can-
lack coping skills for stress
have wrong interpretation of situation
contempt of women
mental health & substance abuse problems common
have immediate family & society support for minimum negative consequences
controlling
entitled/self centered/narcissistic
believes is victim
manipulative
good public image
skillfully dishonest
can be good early in relationships
disrespectful, superior, depersonalizing
externalizes responsibility
punishes, retaliates
increases anger
multidimensional reasons & strategy to alter
antisocial/psychopathic
Stopping future violence
The #1 way to stop domestic violence was shown to be by arresting the perpetrator and making
them spend time in jail. We believe the policy depends in part on the police arresting and
holding overnight everyone accused of abuse by the person abused, a bystander, or by physical
evidence of abuse regardless of whether the person abused refuses to initially press charges.
Spending a night in jail seems to send a message to the person accused of abusing and the
person abused that this behavior is unacceptable to the community. This policy makes the
statement that domestic violence is a serious breach of the law and public safety, not just a
relationship problem.
In the same vein, the very first incident is the most important for getting help for the person
abused, as it sends a message that abuse is wrong the very first time it happens, not just after it
becomes repetitive. Introducing the person to the full scale of services and community supports
after the first official exposure to the abuse helps to define even one occurrence of the abuse as
wrong and unnatural. This intervention is most effective when given while the abuser is in jail.
The police need to be aware that people who are being abused may react by fighting
back, provoking violence to stop the buildup of tension, and using a weapon in defense or to equal power. When it appears a weaker partner has initiated the violence, the police and social worker need to make an assessment of the overall pattern of the relationship violence to determine whether physical
intimidation or threats led the physically weaker partner to defend themselves.
In situations where the violence and the threat of violence are both truly equal among partners, the couplemay need to both be treated as the battered (given information and services) and the battering
(arrested and locked up separately overnight). If the offender is prosecuted successfully, the
partner should get counseling on how to separate successfully and safely (financially, physically,
and emotionally), even if s/he doesn’t want to leave at that moment. They may change their
mind while the offender is in jail and need the information in the future.
In some communities (San Diego according to A&E’s Justice Files), police pursue domestic
violence prosecutions themselves, without depending on cooperation from the partner. They
take pictures of the scene and the people and use a checklist to ensure officers get the
information that helps successful prosecution in court. Successful prosecution of people
committing domestic violence reduces homicides from domestic violence.
These policies can often help prevent much future violence. The violence in domestic
relationships often gets worse. It is the most frequent cause of injury to women in America.
Abusers will often blame alcohol or drugs for their “loss of control”, and will often seek to
become intoxicated so they have an excuse to hit their partners. Over 50% of women murdered
in America (1990’s), and in some places 75%, were done in by a current or former male partner.
Women are 3-6 times more likely to get killed leaving their abusive partner than staying with him
(over 95% of abusive partners are men). The first two months of separation are the most
crucial, and the danger is less after one year. More than 75% of abused women surveyed
reported that their children have been physically or sexually abused by their batterers. Batterers
who kill their wives have averaged only 2-6 years in jail. Women interviewed in jail who have
killed their abusive partners often say that their jail term is better than life with the abuser.
To further prevent violence against women:
Arrest and keep overnight everyone accused of domestic violence, and prosecute the offenders
independently of the continued cooperation of the offended partner. Successful prosecution of
domestic violence abusers puts them in jail (allowing the partner to leave the relationship with
safety for the time being if they wish), gives the offender prison experience and a record that will
work towards further and longer sentences if they abuse again.
Work to stop the release of sexually violent pornography (portraying nonconsensual sexual acts)
on video in your community (viewing sex doesn’t increase violence against woment, but
viewing violence does), end health insurance discrimination (insurers turn down applicants
who’ve had past medical treatment resulting from violence by a partner), put domestic violence
hotlines on the first page of the phone book, fund free legal advice to help separate from a
partner with financial resources, uniformly make gun possession illegal for people who’ve ever
hit their partners, create a federal database for people who been convicted of assaulting a
partner, automatically rate movies NC17 if any women are beaten or killed in the movie (this
may effectively eliminate the R rating in America), create safe child visitations and transfers
where ex-partners don’t meet, and institute immediate jail time for people who violate judicial
restraint orders.
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Equality in the economy with work & pay can be helped by outlawing discrimination and
promoting the success of businesses practicing equality. Equality in politics can be helped by
being groomed within political parties to run for office.
Acceptance of women’s spiritual equality with men in leadership of congregations,
administration, and spiritual hierarchy can be helped by teaching about the positions of spiritual
leadership women have held in the past, and are holding in the present.
The most effective way to immediately blunt the effects of violence against women is with
housing and work equity. If women are paid well/get support if they have children and can get
safe housing for themselves and their families, it helps to keep them out of danger and gives
them resources to deal with danger when it occurs.
Manipulation
forced teaming- we statements. The person will inject you & them as partners, “We will ____”
“We should ____”
Charm & niceness- not same as goodness
too many details
typecasting you to get opposite response- I know you are too good to do this
loan sharking- doing something for you so owe or feel obligated to do something for them
unsolicited promise of good behavior
ignoring no
trust gut/intuition
How to figure out who ripped you off-‘no theory too remote, noone beyond consideration, no gut
feeling/intuition too unsubstantiated’
‘who could (not think) have done this’
then ask 2 assign motive, even ridiculous ones
puzzle, not mystery
get pieces on table then solve
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